L-O-V-E

Of course I’m going to talk about LOVE…it’s Valentine’s Day for crying out loud.

Until it is replaced by Ground Hog Day bears and Arbor Day cards, Hallmark’s annual revenue will continue to be subsidized by Valentine’s Day paraphernalia followed closely by Mother’s Day plaques, flowers and trinkets.

February 14th is the day that is jammed down everyone’s throat to express their love.

Gag.

Don’t you know that every kiss begins with a jewelry store and the only way your love is measured is by how high the price tag is?

In my opinion, the only way love is measured, or is tangible, is by your children.  They are the embodiment of your heart, with little arms and legs attached, asking for money and the keys to your car. Yup, those little buggers can drive you nuts and melt your heart in an instant.

I can remember the exact date and time when I fully understood what true love meant.

It was 1:13pm.

 …on Wednesday, Nov 29, 2006

 …at Westchester Medical Center

…in the ER

That was when I was told that my daughter’s lungs had collapsed and they could not fix them.

(Excerpt from Beyond Breathing)

Dr. Smarty-Pants told me that if they didn’t intubate Jena—meaning, put her on a ventilator to help her breathe, to help her exchange the oxygen—she would crash, and there would be nothing they could do to save her.

 Once she was intubated, she would be unconscious. The only way we’d talk to her again would be after her double lung transplant, which would take place 500 miles away in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. As yet, there was no donor and we were still in New York.

Dr. Smarty-Pants gave me ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

That’s all I get to tell Jena everything in my heart. To tell her how much joy she’s brought me. To tell her how much I love her.

I had ten minutes.

I told her all those things. I told her that if I could be just a fraction of the person she was, I would be the most incredible person ever. I told her that if I could bring half of the smiles and laughter she did I would be honored to stand in her shadow the rest of my life. I cried. I couldn’t stop crying.

As the tears relentlessly streamed down my face, I apologized for any and every fight we ever had. I apologized for any time she was mad at me or I was mad at her. I told her again and again how much I loved her, how proud I was of her, and how much she’d taught me that I would never be able to repay. I cried. I was shaking. I was terrified. I couldn’t believe I was doing this, I couldn’t believe that I had to.

Try to breathe.

She was wearing a bipap machine that covered her nose and mouth to help her breathe, but she was alert and awake and could talk to me. Jena, like a mother compassionately caring for her child, looked at me and gently shook her head left and right and slowly gave me the most remarkably tender smile. Her eyes looked so deeply into my eyes, like never before. It felt as though she was reaching into my soul with her eyes, and I could feel it. I looked back at her with my bloodshot eyes, sniffling, and my hands shaking in hers.

Jena just said, “Mommy, I love you.”

There were no tears in her eyes, and there was no fear, either; no screaming, no asking why her. Jena in her infinite wisdom knew that love is the greatest of all. All this chaos was inconsequential. Love is what is immortal. Her love for me and mine for her were untouchable. Jena knew love is the only answer. Now I know that, too.

(end)

That is what love is.  It is untouchable, unbreakable, and it transcends into the hereafter.

Love never ends.

And that is priceless.

I can hear you saying, “I get what you mean, but I like the chocolates, the diamond heart-shaped necklaces, and the candlelight dinner out.”  Listen, by all means take advantage of a perfectly executed marketing campaign, I certainly do.  I’ll be the first to say, “Just hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt."


But do me a favor this Valentine's Day.  Go find that special someone, stop them dead in their tracks, and look deeply into their eyes and say, “I Love You” and mean it.  Then tell me that’s not worth your weight in gold.

Now go share the love.

Livin' On A Prayer

How do you live?

Are you living for the moment?

Are you living in the past?

How about, living on a prayer?

No, not the Bon Jovi song

…the real prayer

…the kind you say when you've got nothing left to hold you up.

…the kind that knocks you to your knees and your only option is prayer.

 
You’ve had those days I’m sure.  You pray your father makes it through surgery.  You pray your 18 year old daughter makes it home safely from college during a winter storm.  You pray the doctor says you're in remission.

Then there are those days that cut you to your core.

You’re breathing, but you're not alive.  You’ve got nothing inside to hold you up anymore.  You've got nothing to lean on.  Nothing but prayer. Religious or not, you find yourself asking, begging and bartering with God to lift you out of wherever it is that you are.  You’re lost and you don’t even know how to ask for directions.

I’ve been there.

I remember looking up and screaming, “GOD, I CAN’T DO THIS!”

That was my prayer. That was it.

That prayer was my request that He would take me too, like He took my Jena.  But for some unknown reason He left me here, barely breathing.

My prayer was answered.

I’m still here because of the love that surrounds me…namely my girlfriends.  These fabulous ladies saw to it that I got out of bed before noon, ate something each day and sat with me for hours on end; sometimes never saying a word. They took care of everything.  They did this for weeks.  They fed my body and soul.  And people say I’m strong. Ha!  I couldn’t breathe without my girls.

Looking back, I know that talking with God, screaming at God, praying to God is sometimes all you need to do and then trust Him do the rest.

What is the ultimate prayer? “Thy will be done.”

Jena and God saw to it that you can live on a prayer.

Maybe Bon Jovi had it right all along…

Peace Out

For the second weekend in a row, Marc and Eric were supposed to go upstate snowmobiling with “the guys.”

 

 

 
They love it.

I love it.

Another win/win.

They were looking for some rugged manly adventure and I was looking for some peace and quiet. Well, peace is out for this weekend. Last weekend there wasn’t enough snow and this weekend it’s 2 below.

Change of plans.

Instead of a quiet weekend to myself, a very large poker game is ensuing bringing with it high levels of testosterone and talks of anything with a motor.

Lovely.

Jena and I would balance that out with trips to Barnes & Noble, a good ‘chick flick’ or at the very least making fun of those ‘dirty’ boys. But life’s sucker-punch left me to fend for myself among the world of men. I’m sure she is laughing at me from heaven.

It’s crazy in this house now with college boys in and out all hours of the day and wee hours of the night.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good.  I think it’s great that Eric is surrounded by his friends and it’s kind of nice they all call me “Mom.”

But peace…well, that’s not happening here and certainly not tonight.

Life as I knew it is over.  I don’t have my baby girl to even out the odds.  I don’t have the life that I thought I signed up for either.  And now, I don’t even have the quiet weekend I was looking forward to.  The reality is that life is constantly changing and I have to learn to change with it.

I hear them dealing the cards, the chips falling on the poker table, and they’re calling my name.  Guess it’s time to show those boys how to play Texas Hold ‘Em.  I take a deep sigh, smile and grab my wallet.  Sometimes when life throws you curves, you just have to adjust and find a new adventure…

...and besides, I have an angel up my sleeve.

Peace out!

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

Kind of like:

Silly Putty by James Wright, which was created while trying to find a rubber substitute for the United States during World War II.

Or

Good ‘ol boy Chris Columbus who was looking for a new way to India in 1492 and wound up landing in The Americas.  I’m guessing he didn’t stop and ask for directions either.

And even

Yes, that little blue pill that has changed the smiles on middle-aged women everywhere.  It was originally directed for use in hypertension and angina pectoris-- who knew the claim to fame it would have?
(...everyone should enjoy a giggle now and again...)

Back to the blog...
Serendipity, for me, came by way of life.

After Jena passed away from cystic fibrosis, I was certain I was on track for depression and grief.  Everything I had once known about life was ripped out from underneath me and I was left completely and utterly lost.

Somehow while on this path of death and destruction, I found life.

While writing in despair, I found an optimistic voice.  I found the more I wrote, the more life seemed hopeful, dare I say, beautiful.  I had found a way to carry on in life… totally accidental.

I found a way to immortalize my baby girl who was, for all intense purposes, gone from this earth.  I found an outlet for my depression which created huge awareness for cystic fibrosis, the very thing that put me in the state of misery.  And, fortunately for you, I have now found a new way to express my sad, and pathetic sense of humor while hoping I make a point at times.

My point?

You just never know where the road you are on will take you.

Don’t give up.

Keep the faith.

What fortune will you unexpectedly come across?


To Serendipity Baby!

Breathing

Breathing directions:

Inhale.

Exhale.

Repeat.

Seems straight forward enough, right? 

For most of us breathing is involuntary, a non-issue, basically…easy.

I mean really, how many times does breathing cross your mind?

When you’re scared?

When it’s your 83th birthday? 

Or when you sat too close next to someone who just couldn’t hold it in.

Most of the time we take breathing for granted, I mean why wouldn’t you? Between everything else you have going on in life, thank God breathing’s not something you have to concern yourself with.
 
And then there are those who fight for each breath.  

Each moment. 

Their whole life.

My daughter Jena most certainly did.

She was born knowing each breath she took was precious.

I’ll never forget one day Jena was feeling really, really good.  Her whole face smiled as she said excitedly, “Mommy, Mommy…wow! I feel great.  I can’t believe how easy it is to breathe today!”  She kissed me on the cheek and ran off to play. 
To her breathing was special.

Like many others that have a lung disease, Jena did all she could to add a year, a month or even a day to her life.

 

I know I treasured each breath she took.  I knew there were very few that were ever wasted.  She would rock climb, ride 4-wheelers, and do all she could to keep up with her older brother. Jena ran full tilt when she could and enjoyed each day to its fullest.

Time is like oxygen. You’ll never notice until it is gone. 

There's no time to kill between the cradle and the grave
Father Time still takes a toll on every minute that you save
Legal tender's never gonna change the number on your days
The highest cost of livin's dyin', that's one everybody pays
So have it spent before you get the bill, there's no time to kill 
(Clint Black)

When time runs out, will you have made the most of your breath?